Another Step to Go

There's this one girl named Humaira in a random (support) group chat I joined years ago (which I couldn't recall why I was there; I believe it's this random training that I randomly joined, and they randomly added me into it, and I didn't leave cause why not?) She would share a few ayahs from the Quran almost every day, making people eventually read. I never replied in the group. But I'm happy every time the message popped up.  I mean... what a simple act of kindness a Humaira could do? That actually Syazwani, Sakinah and Liyana could too (but didn't)? It's a world where extravagant is still a thing (which is not wrong too if it were to be done ethically), and there's a Humaira choose it to be so humble yet impactful. Well, at least for an Insyirah. May that be off that good deed that Allah would welcome Humaira to be in the highest level of Jannah without hisab. Another Step to Go Ins 20260719

I watched a TV show that first aired 10 years ago. Bad news: I binge-watched whilst binge eating. Good news: I've built this habit of reflecting years ago, just to predict what could happen in the years ahead. Seriously, both are humbling. Those in the show who are good friends are no longer friends, and it's all over on the net. The business has ended. Some of them are wearing hijab; a few others are de-hijab. No judging right here #positivevibe, but... a lot of things could change in a month or a year, and of course, what more in 10 years! I mean, just because our lives are not on air doesn't mean we are stagnant, though. As much as theirs are staged (of course, everyone knows lol), ours aren't that 'organic' either. A lot of perspective could change. Some of those few we barely understood before are now brought to light. Or even taste? I didn't like tempe 10 years ago, but now? I ask for tempe if I ever see one! Thus, it's definitely unfair to judge (...

Dear strangers, I barely remember your faces, let alone your names. But I believe all those "I found it online" are a bunch of people behind the screen. Those who worked hard to sustain their livelihood. Or simply be kind-hearted and generous people who don't gatekeep good things, without expecting anything in return. Sometimes, you guys come in the form of 'influencers', trying too hard, some said. But to me, you (who I look up to) are trying to help and cherish yourselves whilst helping and cherishing others. Which is absolutely cool! You could be a mailman, with a long line of parcels. Yet still make time to politely text, just to ensure our stuff is safely delivered. You could be at the front desk as a receptionist, answering the 'obviously on the note' thingy. You could be doing all the good things, above the par of the bare minimum and not appreciated at all. Yet one unpurposed mistake may affect you horribly. You could be a cashier, for whom a piece...

I want to comprehend Effortlessly I want to explain With no doubt I want to be heard With the right frequency I want to be me And nothing less It takes me to lose Then it's out of my control If it hurts the rest Then it's on me to make peace with If this path leads me further Then I have to prepare to get farther If the unacceptance is the price of it Then I shall smile for I'm imperfect It hurts Indeed In a way that I have no words to explain Probably lost would be it For me to put on the first page And found To complete the chapter Then calm For my heart deserves it To self Shall I shout the silence And to God Shall I wrap the thanks With no doubt I'm leaving With absolutely no doubt I'm living Still Another Step to Go Ins 20250828

If I were to describe 2024 in a word, it would be metamorphosis:  the transformation process from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages. Quiet cliche. Or fair enough to say that it could happen over and over again. Thus how do the stages this year make a difference? Well... This time around, I forgot a lot of details. I kinda lose myself. I don't know who I am anymore. As much as I'm getting better too! I've gone through routes I've never passed before. I've chosen for myself at the moment I've no one to turn to specifically. I've met unfamiliar faces I've doubted to trust but I did it anyway. And I love the city. I admit that I'm giving bitchy city privileged girl vibe. Despite I hate to admit so since I'm not. The vibe is giving, but I'm not. Not coming from a city. Not a bitchy. Quiet humble, no? And money-wise, I'm not that priviledged. Meh~ So yeah... That makes so much difference with other Meta versions. ...

In a world filled with so many voices, it seems like adapting is almost a necessity, a way to fit in and make our way through life. But sometimes, I wonder... why is adaptation so emphasized?  Why are those who don’t conform often labelled or... overlooked?  This brings to mind the philosophical debate between deontology and consequentialism. These two ethical theories seem to contradict each other in many ways, yet they also uniquely complement one another. It makes me reflect on two important questions: What is our intention? What are the consequences? I believe we all struggle with this on a subconscious level. We are constantly torn between choosing to be true to ourselves, to embrace who we truly are, and the desire to please others, to adapt and compromise. Both paths have their extremes, and sometimes they collide. Being yourself to the point where it hurts others. Pleasing others to the point where you harm yourself. As a Muslim, I can’t help but think back to the conc...

 I came across a few random quotes online that go by, “Adulting is postponing your emotions because you have deadlines to catch” I agree and this is relatable in so many ways. I didn’t believe in this back when I was younger. I mean, why must we suppress our emotions? Aren’t we allowed to feel, whereas Allah is the one who gives us the ni’mah of feeling? Is it even healthy to do so?  But it’s relatable. Sometimes, we have no choice but to suppress, for the benefit of many and protection for we may overreact when we are emotionally unstable. It’s true. Well... If that makes sense in that way, then the  hadith  relieves me knowing that Allah would reward me for holding on since it’s out of my control on so many levels. Thus I call it…. The art of holding on. To hold on to my faith but, respect others. To hold on to my belief but choose words and ways to express it. To hold on to my dreams without having to over-explain. To hold on to processes that have yet to progress...

I'm at a stage of re-treasuring myself. After the feeling of grasping feeling was left hanging for quite some time, I think I'm ready to let my heart feel again, as deep as she wants. And to let my brain think, as sharp as she could be. I mean.. It hurts to live in denial. It is hard to let things un pen, as much it's hard to pen it as well. But I've to choose my battle though. And I'm glad that God chose me for this. Alhamdulillah! They said, time and power change people. Well.. It could be true. Yet it's more powerful to believe, circumstances reveal who we really are. I can't help but admit, I work around better with men. As much as I don't like mingling around with men! Being a walking contradiction is not easy at all! Juggling between spiritual values and my intellectual needs is an everyday work to be honest.  Am I trying to change the whatnots?  Or am I... Just high maintenance and it takes me a lot to be content?  Just because I'm a hard feel...

I found this writing dusted in the draft. It was written back in 2019. Where's COVID was yet a thing. And just who and how am I today? I think I haven't penned down that much specifically on such simple yet meaningful events in life. Thus it's quite hard to recall that much. Probably this is a sign that I should get back into writing ha? May Allah count. *** It was a few days after Eid. I woke up at 0200 since I went to bed quite early that night. I was cleaning up my room at that moment. Putting things in their place, folding yesterday’s laundry, cleaning whatever mess I could see. Suddenly lights turned off. I tried to switch it on back but it did not work. Not the entire house was out of electricity since some lights were still working. I was in the dark for quite a moment and I eventually stopped doing my stuff. This then led me to wonder…. You know what… Alright! I rather keep it honest. I am dissatisfied with my own self. The last Ramadhan was not the best Ram...

Since I last talked to You I was not very much myself I am lost in many ways I've drowned in the waves But I realized not I'm blinded by the fun of the tides I thought that I was strong enough I need no buoyant I need no rope I just need me, myself, and I I thought How stupid I was Probably still am Since I last talked to You I actually can't recall when To a point, I no longer know how Why do I feel this way? I forget that I can always ask you all the whats Including the whatnots 'Cause if its not You, then who? I want to swim again,  with the Faith in You I want to fly high, To attain You, The Lord of Above and the entire universe I want to run, Again and again, With the Strength of Your Al-Qawiy Which I wouldn't trade for any I know that path is blurry The ocean is stormy The land is too rough My bad thoughts are hard to brush But no rush Indeed no rush 'Cause in You I put my highest trust Ins 20231122

It has been such a haywire year so far, yet the one that I treasured and appreciated most. Thank you, Allah! Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. One of the things that I've learned best so far is the art of slowing down. ❤ I thought I'm slow enough. Which I'm kinda am. I'm left behind in life, in so many things  Well... If life is a competition, I might probably be the last in the row. But for those who know me well enough, kinda better than I know me at some points, I'm not as slow as I thought I am. And legit, I don't like to be slow. I wanna go fast pace, especially in tackling values, knowledge, and perspective. There's some wisdom I would love to grasp now, not later. There's some loop of uncertainties I get myself out of way earlier in life. There are numbers of stupidity I took years to digest, and still find it stupid. And there are tonnes of unfulfillment I've seen in the social construct, yet I've n...

I was (still am anyways) in the midst of the toughest phase of my life. I never failed this bad, I never drown this depth, I never numb this best. Everything was just all over the place, to the point that I never thought that I could bare such a feeling. Allahuakbar. I wished that I have words to explain. I wished that there were metaphors I can come out with, as how I always do. But this time around, I would say I'm dizzy. I'm confused. I have no words to describe what's going on. Or should I say, I'm somewhat giving up? I have no choice but to be doing so. Urgh! But I'm living. Still. Breathing and being able to feel the thin air. Alhamdulillah. I'm not a big fan of 'look at the bright side.' I wished babe! I wished! But looking at the smalllll view of that bright side does not make the dark side less horror. The tarantula is still there, the bushes are full of poison, and the cut and scars are still hurt. I'm still full of bruises. But... I guess ...

The older I get, the more I realize that I value respect over anything, especially love. If the act of love causes me to lose myself, I would say that it's lust (ego and self-satisfaction) one wished to fulfil, which I won't subscribe to such ideology at all costs. If 'emotional intelligence' includes invalidating one's emotions for the sake of 🌟peace🌟, isn't it such a pathetic world we're living in? Is it possible to have tolerance and be a forgiver, and at the same time set a boundary? I want to believe that it is possible, like what happened between Rasulullah SAW and Wahsyi. Yet it is undeniably difficult. But the good news is, Allah, counts every effort. Okay! To have a clearer vision, let's put it into situations... If I were 'emotionally intelligent' to the elderlies or anyone superior, with hopes that soon once I grow old, the youngsters would respect me with 'emotional intelligence' too, I guess this cycle won't have an ...

It's been such rough days the past few weeks. Yet I enjoy those edges God had meant me to witness. Alhamdulillah for everything. And it has been so long since I pen down something personal (for me at least). Well... It's about time to be more transparent ha? Honestly, walking to this phase is scary. I'm fully aware that I don't deserve this. But I know I want it. Being that kind of super stone-headed person who cares about no one (I mean... I don't let people define me like daaa who you are peeps lol), I fight for what I believe in. No matter how hard or odd, wait... Who odd and hard? LOL >< Nevertheless, I can't ignore the tiredness. More like, boredom I guess. I love what I'm doing, and I love the people that I am meant to come across in this life, but I can't deny that I crave truth. I crave betterment. I crave contentment. Unfortunately, I need to take to 'snobbish' route, which people of the sphere might hate. Well. I don't even bo...

 

 Life during the Covid-19 pandemic is something that most of us might never think of. We simply have a life outside of our home on daily basis. People go to work and school, hang out during weekends, socialize with family and friends. Or probably, it's fair enough to say that, home is now 'hotel', where we just 'sleep and go'. 'Cause, we simply have a life outside of that radius of safe space. However, when the pandemic hit us, things worked differently in many ways. As an introvert, the first few weeks of the pandemic were not that bad, to be honest. I mean, yeah. I felt stuck, thinking of the experiment I'd left at the lab. Less did I know, I wouldn't be back to the uni anymore. And I graduated in shock! But the pandemic as a whole renewed my perspectives in so many ways. As a Muslim, it strengthens my faith towards fate (Qada' and Qadar); if Allah wants it to be, it will be. We never know that we would live this way. We never know, that stucked at...

 

 Untuk kesekian kali esok, Aku berharap ada sinar di hujung jalan, Aku bersabar sehari lagi, Moga esok lebih indah dari hari ini Untuk kesekian kali esok, Aku sujud tunduk, Lalu berpeluk tubuh menahan sejuk, Moga esok, Matahari terbit dari timur ufuk, Mencair bekunya hati, Memanas kembali semangat nurani Untuk kesekian kali esok, Yang hilang dalam kiraan, Barangkali, Hanya dibibir jadi ucapan, Di khayal dalam fikiran, Menjadi jeda segala lelah perasaan, Cukup, untuk menghela satu nafas lagi, Dan hidup, Untuk satu hari lagi, Satu hari sahaja lagi. Untuk kesekian kali esok, Aku bertahan untuk Esok yang hakiki, Esok yang tak perlu dihitung lagi, Esok... Di mana bila akhirnya ia kekal abadi  InsyaAllah Janji Tuhan itu pasti Atas nama Tuhan Pemilik esok yang telah pergi Dan esok yang belum tiba lagi Aku berharap Saat tiada lagi esok untuk diri ini Moga Tuhan redhai Moga puas aku nikmati hari ini Agar esok Tiada lagi penyesalan di hati Tiada lagi jiwa-jiwa yang meragui Kerana janji ...

 

1) Normalizing wrong things does not make it right. Never. 2) Growth is uncomfortable. Change is unavoidable. That's the nature. 3) You would not know until you give it a try. Don't say no too early. Think. 4) Health is wealth. It has no reverse button. 5) Family is irreplaceable. May Allah Bless them ❤ 6) Seeking knowledge is supercool! 🏂 7) Thank you, congrats, sorry and please open gates to many beautiful things.  8) Life is complex. But Allah won't test one beyond his capacity. 9) Akhlak speaks louder. With facts of course. 10) Don't be too comfortable. Even Ibliis was once pious. 11)  Consistency and strategy are keys. 12) It's never okay, to pretend to be okay.  13) When you can't avoid it at all cost, just enjoy the ride! 14) There's always room of improvement. Do not settle for less.  15) Say aameen for all the good things. Even though it looks super impossible. Just aameen it. 16) Compliments may ruin one's silently, but criticisms lighten up t...