There's no grass on the Other Side

I was (still am anyways) in the midst of the toughest phase of my life. I never failed this bad, I never drown this depth, I never numb this best. Everything was just all over the place, to the point that I never thought that I could bare such a feeling. Allahuakbar.


I wished that I have words to explain. I wished that there were metaphors I can come out with, as how I always do. But this time around, I would say I'm dizzy. I'm confused. I have no words to describe what's going on. Or should I say, I'm somewhat giving up? I have no choice but to be doing so. Urgh!

But I'm living. Still. Breathing and being able to feel the thin air. Alhamdulillah.

I'm not a big fan of 'look at the bright side.' I wished babe! I wished! But looking at the smalllll view of that bright side does not make the dark side less horror. The tarantula is still there, the bushes are full of poison, and the cut and scars are still hurt. I'm still full of bruises.

But... I guess I understand it now. I finally did, I guess. When there's no other choice left, but to live. Keep going by looking at the bright side, or visualize the bright side, even if it's not even there. That's when the notion of the metaphysical came in when physical stuff could offer nothing but failure.

I kept going.

I kept living.

As such a very slow pace.

I could barely feel the movement, but I wished that God counts. Well... He knows best kan?

***


Whilst I am immersed in my train of thought, I can't help but interact with beings.

The couples at the park talked about business deals. Probably they were just about to break the ice.

The kids with school uniforms, waiting for the parents to come. Some of them were happy, probably there's something good going on today. Some looked so tired, probably school was tough. Well! School indeed is. Now I'm more grateful that I don't need to go to school anymore 🤣

The grab driver, who mencari sesuap nasi. I wonder what's going on at home. The grab driver that God chose for me today is a deaf and mute individual. 

I don't like comparison.

I hate comparing one struggle to another.

But I can't help this time, I just do.

I mean... What would I answer God, if someone like me, fully capable, choose to give up my life?

Indirectly, I'm not just giving up my life, I'm giving up on other people"s life too. Especially those who need me, like the driver.

The grass is currently brown on my side.

I'm focusing too much on others which is greener.

But... What about others, others?

Where grass does not even exist.

Oh God

Forgive me.


Ins

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