Life without Lights

I found this writing dusted in the draft. It was written back in 2019. Where's COVID was yet a thing. And just who and how am I today? I think I haven't penned down that much specifically on such simple yet meaningful events in life. Thus it's quite hard to recall that much. Probably this is a sign that I should get back into writing ha?

May Allah count.

***

It was a few days after Eid. I woke up at 0200 since I went to bed quite early that night. I was cleaning up my room at that moment. Putting things in their place, folding yesterday’s laundry, cleaning whatever mess I could see. Suddenly lights turned off. I tried to switch it on back but it did not work. Not the entire house was out of electricity since some lights were still working. I was in the dark for quite a moment and I eventually stopped doing my stuff. This then led me to wonder….

You know what…

Alright! I rather keep it honest. I am dissatisfied with my own self. The last Ramadhan was not the best Ramadhan I had ever gone through. Perhaps my 15-year-old self did it better. My goals were unclear, my routine checklist was not updated, and everything was all over the place. I kinda lost myself, yet I kept on working, pretending that I was on the right track. Despite… I wasn’t.

Back to that dark room…

I tried to walk out of the room and search for light. I went to the living hall; I sat under the dim blinkering lights. Sitting... and pondering. I couldn’t even live without lights. How could I do my chores? How I could sit still doing nothing in that dark room since I wasn’t sleepy at all?  And I did survive to get out of the darkness even though it takes me longer and harder. I did find ways until I found that dim light. Be it that dim, still it was clear enough for me to at least watch for my steps.

But, why did I ignore the darkness in my heart?

It was a few days after Eid. A few days after Ramadhan left. Being an adult, I think we are mature enough to grieve over the passing of the Holy Month. We simply wouldn’t be overshadowed by the cherish of meeting families and friends on that day. Deep in our hearts, all of us…. there’s an unexplained feeling when Ramadhan left. ‘Cause we do know, the foundation of light has ended. And it’s the time to do our parts, to keep that light shimmer and brighter. Because the next Ramadhan is still uncertain.

I was sad. I sat still, stumbling. When I opened the window sill, I saw the sun shine brightly. I finally knew. It wasn’t the absence of light that I was thinking. It was not the unsuccessful Ramadhan that I was upset over. But it’s for the Creator of Lights, whom His presence I sometimes ignore, whom His Blessings I often doubt over, and His Love which I choose to take for granted….

It was a few days after Eid. That I finally learnt... I couldn't survive without Lights.

Another Step to Go

Ins

20190611