Another Step to Go

I'm at a stage of re-treasuring myself. After the feeling of grasping feeling was left hanging for quite some time, I think I'm ready to let my heart feel again, as deep as she wants. And to let my brain think, as sharp as she could be. I mean.. It hurts to live in denial. It is hard to let things un pen, as much it's hard to pen it as well. But I've to choose my battle though. And I'm glad that God chose me for this. Alhamdulillah! They said, time and power change people. Well.. It could be true. Yet it's more powerful to believe, circumstances reveal who we really are. I can't help but admit, I work around better with men. As much as I don't like mingling around with men! Being a walking contradiction is not easy at all! Juggling between spiritual values and my intellectual needs is an everyday work to be honest.  Am I trying to change the whatnots?  Or am I... Just high maintenance and it takes me a lot to be content?  Just because I'm a hard feel...

I found this writing dusted in the draft. It was written back in 2019. Where's COVID was yet a thing. And just who and how am I today? I think I haven't penned down that much specifically on such simple yet meaningful events in life. Thus it's quite hard to recall that much. Probably this is a sign that I should get back into writing ha? May Allah count. *** It was a few days after Eid. I woke up at 0200 since I went to bed quite early that night. I was cleaning up my room at that moment. Putting things in their place, folding yesterday’s laundry, cleaning whatever mess I could see. Suddenly lights turned off. I tried to switch it on back but it did not work. Not the entire house was out of electricity since some lights were still working. I was in the dark for quite a moment and I eventually stopped doing my stuff. This then led me to wonder…. You know what… Alright! I rather keep it honest. I am dissatisfied with my own self. The last Ramadhan was not the best Ram...

Since I last talked to You I was not very much myself I am lost in many ways I've drowned in the waves But I realized not I'm blinded by the fun of the tides I thought that I was strong enough I need no buoyant I need no rope I just need me, myself, and I I thought How stupid I was Probably still am Since I last talked to You I actually can't recall when To a point, I no longer know how Why do I feel this way? I forget that I can always ask you all the whats Including the whatnots 'Cause if its not You, then who? I want to swim again,  with the Faith in You I want to fly high, To attain You, The Lord of Above and the entire universe I want to run, Again and again, With the Strength of Your Al-Qawiy Which I wouldn't trade for any I know that path is blurry The ocean is stormy The land is too rough My bad thoughts are hard to brush But no rush Indeed no rush 'Cause in You I put my highest trust Ins 20231122

It has been such a haywire year so far, yet the one that I treasured and appreciated most. Thank you, Allah! Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. One of the things that I've learned best so far is the art of slowing down. ❤ I thought I'm slow enough. Which I'm kinda am. I'm left behind in life, in so many things  Well... If life is a competition, I might probably be the last in the row. But for those who know me well enough, kinda better than I know me at some points, I'm not as slow as I thought I am. And legit, I don't like to be slow. I wanna go fast pace, especially in tackling values, knowledge, and perspective. There's some wisdom I would love to grasp now, not later. There's some loop of uncertainties I get myself out of way earlier in life. There are numbers of stupidity I took years to digest, and still find it stupid. And there are tonnes of unfulfillment I've seen in the social construct, yet I've n...

I was (still am anyways) in the midst of the toughest phase of my life. I never failed this bad, I never drown this depth, I never numb this best. Everything was just all over the place, to the point that I never thought that I could bare such a feeling. Allahuakbar. I wished that I have words to explain. I wished that there were metaphors I can come out with, as how I always do. But this time around, I would say I'm dizzy. I'm confused. I have no words to describe what's going on. Or should I say, I'm somewhat giving up? I have no choice but to be doing so. Urgh! But I'm living. Still. Breathing and being able to feel the thin air. Alhamdulillah. I'm not a big fan of 'look at the bright side.' I wished babe! I wished! But looking at the smalllll view of that bright side does not make the dark side less horror. The tarantula is still there, the bushes are full of poison, and the cut and scars are still hurt. I'm still full of bruises. But... I guess ...

The older I get, the more I realize that I value respect over anything, especially love. If the act of love causes me to lose myself, I would say that it's lust (ego and self-satisfaction) one wished to fulfil, which I won't subscribe to such ideology at all costs. If 'emotional intelligence' includes invalidating one's emotions for the sake of 🌟peace🌟, isn't it such a pathetic world we're living in? Is it possible to have tolerance and be a forgiver, and at the same time set a boundary? I want to believe that it is possible, like what happened between Rasulullah SAW and Wahsyi. Yet it is undeniably difficult. But the good news is, Allah, counts every effort. Okay! To have a clearer vision, let's put it into situations... If I were 'emotionally intelligent' to the elderlies or anyone superior, with hopes that soon once I grow old, the youngsters would respect me with 'emotional intelligence' too, I guess this cycle won't have an ...

It's been such rough days the past few weeks. Yet I enjoy those edges God had meant me to witness. Alhamdulillah for everything. And it has been so long since I pen down something personal (for me at least). Well... It's about time to be more transparent ha? Honestly, walking to this phase is scary. I'm fully aware that I don't deserve this. But I know I want it. Being that kind of super stone-headed person who cares about no one (I mean... I don't let people define me like daaa who you are peeps lol), I fight for what I believe in. No matter how hard or odd, wait... Who odd and hard? LOL >< Nevertheless, I can't ignore the tiredness. More like, boredom I guess. I love what I'm doing, and I love the people that I am meant to come across in this life, but I can't deny that I crave truth. I crave betterment. I crave contentment. Unfortunately, I need to take to 'snobbish' route, which people of the sphere might hate. Well. I don't even bo...